FEELING BROKEN

My boyfriend and I have been dating a month. I'll jump right into it. At the very beginning of our relationship, we were essentially exclusive just didn't have official "titles". We go out to a bar with all our friends, its a great night, until I look over and he's making phone conversation with the boy  I know. I approached him upset, he looks at me looks back at his phone and ignores me (he does claim he was way to drunk and does not remember any of this...). I left immediately. After some very rocky following days, I decided to give him another chance, forgive and move forward as he said nothing else happened that night and he went home alone.

A month into our relationship he reveals to me that he had a realtionship with this guy and slept with him. He said he lied because he thought I would never give him another chance. The lie completely broke me. But I still decided to stay with him and try to work through this.

Anyways, now things are not good. I suppressed my feelings of anger, sadness, and betrayal the whole time because I wanted to have a tough exterior. Now I constantly question and interrogate him, get more jealous than I ever would, and feel extremely self-conscious when I go out.

Yes, there are still great aspects to our relationship, but how do I move on? How do I get my self-confidence back? How do I learn to trust again? How do I block out the horrible mental images I have of him with this girl he kicked me to the curb for?

Most likely we will break-up, but for the sake of my mental health, I would really appreciate any feedback, advice, or suggestions.

FORBIDDEN CHAT AFFAIR

5 years ago, I decided to visit a "forbidden site". What?! (well, it's not really forbidden, it's just that our society who always see themselves "PERFECT" brand "the url" immoral) why? Because it's the site for PLU (People Like Us) - gay people. My question is, "Which is Moral? and "Which is Immoral?" "Who will decide?"

Anyway, I was just planning to download M2M video that time but then again, I didn't know what came into my mind that after I register, I updated all my personal information like what we usually do on other social networking sites. I was surprised to received a lot of messages from different people asking my number, if I have a place, if I have a cam, If I'm interested to meet, If I want SOP, if I'm top or bottom or if I want to have SEX! You read it right... SEX!

The weird thing is, I'm not looking for SEX! Call me hypocrite! Call me anything you like but don't get me wrong... Sex interests me, I love having sex. It's just that it's not my priority. Call me old-fashion, call me hopeless romantic, still I believe in destiny^^ (give up now! hehehe)

Anyhow, I replied to some messages just to kill time until I met a guy who really caught my attention, his name is BlueThree, a 23year old bachelor from a Cavite.

At first, the conversation was as simple as "hi" and "hello" then eventually he asked me if I have YM (yahoo messenger) then I said "yes". He said "kain muna ako ah, pagbalik ko webcam tayo", I answered, "sige" without expecting anything. I was thinking that time that he's no longer interested and he's just making an excuse to end our conversation, surprisingly, after 30min, He "Buzz!" me on YM then he said, "Game na, tapos nako kumain". I replied, "ok".

We enjoyed an almost 2-hour conversation over the internet that I never imagined possible since I'm chatting with a guy I do not personally know -- a "total stranger". The talk was so intimate up to the point where we even start calling each other "hon" (ayiieeee!) then ended the conversation by exchanging numbers (what do you expect? hehehe).

Maybe you're asking me now, "so how it differs from other peoples' stories?"

As always... I have the answer.... (otherwise, this will not be a blog entry, LOLZ!)

Here it is...

To my surprise, the guy whom I thought was a total stranger appears to be one of my colleagues at work!(Small world huh?) Yes, we're working on the same company but the good thing is, we're on a different shift (Good to know that coz I hate conflict of interest)

If you will then ask me what's our status now, sorry to disappoint you guys and gals but our "so called online love affair" did not materialize. Why? That's one secret I will never tell XOXO ^^

BEFRIENDING YOUR EX

They said, you cannot befriend your ex BUT I beg to disagree.

I was uploading my new pics entry on Facebook yesterday when my mobile phone beeped once indicating that I have a new text message. I thought the message was work related or just another random quotes from my clan or friends however it turned out to be a text from one of my EX. His name is JONAS.

JONAS is a 31-year old bartender somewhere in Cavite. Like my other ex, straight people won't be able to easily identify him as one of us because he talks, he moves and he dresses like a real man. In short, you need to be a member of People Like Us (PLU) to know that he's also gay.

Anyway, I can no longer remember the last time we had a face to face conversation but all I know, whenever I had a chance to drop by his place, I always make sure that I contact him to set an unplanned meet up however most of the time, he wasn't able to answer my calls because it's either he's not home or he's already on his deep sleep. He's my ex.

"Bhe, kmusta? San ka ngayon?" That's his first text. I replied, "Aus. Bahay lang ako.Bakit? Anong meron?" Then he answered back, "Wla aman. Tambay tau... Hehe bored d2 bhay. Without hesitation, I replied, "Ok, maliligo lang muna ako, bihis then alis na rin agad".

After an hour and a half, I arrived in our meeting place. I called him, "San na, dito nako". He said, "Papunta nako dyan wag ka nang umalis dyan". I said "cge cge" then I hung up the phone. 10min passed then he arrived. He's wearing a simple shirt, jeans and a leather slippers. I noticed that he's not wearing a cap like he used to. I didn't even bother to ask him that. He's my ex.

He greeted me with a smile. "Oi, pumapayat ka ah". Then I said, "ngee,kailan ba ako naging mataba... Baka IKAW ang tumataba". I said it in an exaggerated tone. I intentionally put an emphasis on the word "IKAW". He knows that I'm pertaining to his body being a bit overweight. We both laughed. We tried to contact our other friends however they said that they won't be able to make it due to their busy schedules? (or maybe lovelife?!). We ordered some foods.

The first part of the conversation was about our common friends. How are they? What's new with them? Who are their partners now? Stuffs like that. Then the latter part which is always my favorite focused more on sharing lovelife, work and family. This separates Jonas from the rest of my friends in our clan. I don't know if he's just fond of sharing his life stories with others or he's just depress, bored or something that time that he wanted someone to listen to him, but still, having the guts to say something about his personal issues is a big deal for me. It means he trust me. He's my ex.

While we're discussing about my stories he said, "Maswerte ka tanggap ka ng magulang mo". I smiled then said, "Yun lang naman ang hinihintay ng lahat ng katulad natin eh, na tanggapin tayo ng family natin. Pag nangyari yon, wala na tayong pakialam pa sa sasabihin ng ibang tao. Yon kasi ang mahalaga. Tanggap ka ng pamilya mo". He only said one word, "Tama". I continued, "Ako kaya? kailan kaya uli ako ma su surprise? I mean, first, nung umamin ako sa pamilya ko na ganito ako,actually di ako umamin , they just noticed pero wala silang pakialam na bading ang anak nila. kakaiba di ba? He interrupted, "Ako kaya? Kailan masu surprise? Wag naman sana". We both laughed.

Then he shared something about his colleagues at work who has been diagnosed with HIV. Then I told him, "Alam mo yan ang gusto kong maranasan eh. Maging terminally ill. Weird nga eh. Kasi ako yung tipo ng tao na gusto kong maranasan yung ayaw ng karamihan like being terminally ill, like dying. Sabi kasi nila mahirap eh kaya gusto kong subukan kung talagang mahirap nga talaga dalhin. Kung kakayanin ko ba talaga. Ang weird noh?" Gusto ko nga rin maglaslas para makilala ko yung mga tunay kong kaibigan na magdadala sa akin ng isang basket na oranges...lols

He asked me, "Hindi ka ba takot mamatay?" I responded, "hindi. Hindi ko iniisip yun eh. Ready kasi ako. mamatay man ako ngayon pagkatapos nating mag usap, no regrets. Kasi masaya ako sa buhay ko. wala akong pagsisisihan. Sobrang nag enjoy ako. Kuntento ako kaya ready akong mamatay kahit kailan." He asked me again, "Hindi mo ba naiisip kung san ka mapupunta pag namatay ka?" I smiled and said, "Hindi ko iniisip yon. Agnostic nga ako diba?" Again, He's my ex.

This is the kind of conversation I always wanted to have with my other friends. You can talk anything under the sun without considering time and distance. You can discuss everything about your life without having fear that the other person won't listen, instead judge you and You can always be the real "you" without people asking for any explanations. 

They said, you cannot befriend your ex BUT I beg to disagree.

I always enjoy being with Jonas despite the fact that he's part of my past. The secret? We're not afraid to communicate with each other until such time that we're able to build a stronger form of friendship. An incomparable relationship indeed. We really complement each other and I tell you, that's the kind of friendship every individual would ever want with their "used to be" partners. 

Others would say, "It worked for you but that doesn't mean it will work for us".

They might be right, but who knows? Maybe it's just a matter of time...

Or maybe, they should start bridging the gap with their ex as early as now ^^

I'M READY TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

Have you ever come to a point where you don't know what to do next? Sometimes? Most of the time? Every time?

Great! Good to know that I'm not the only one who experienced it (It's just an assumption). At least I'm still normal ^^

Every year, I try to set goal for my self. It's either I will be hooked to a new hobby (like going to gym, reading leadership books/Manga, watching Anime/Movies, playing online games) or I will buy new gadgets like iTouch, Laptop and mobile phones. I even change my set of clothes (and friends lol). Lastly, I will make sure that my wallet balance will be zero-out by the end of the year.

Today is December 14, 2012. Fortunately, I'm almost done with my some bill. I know I should be happy with what I've accomplished so far but the question is, what will happen next?

My family no not my family but my friends will tell me, "save money". I just did. But then again, for what reason? Will it serve any purpose for me? Maybe it can be used as an emergency funds (for instance, hospital bills) or to buy bigger investment like cars and house and lot. However, what's the use of these things if I'm the only one who will appreciate it? You know what I'm saying right?

When I say, knowing what to do next is doing something for someone. Being someone for someone and settling down with someone. In that way, all your efforts, achievements and dreams will not be put into waste. You will have a never ending purpose in life.

I'm not getting any younger. No one does. So might as well take things more seriously and start writing my own fate until I find that someone whom I can call my destiny. Sounds cheesy right? But I don't care. Because I know, that I'm ready to fall in love again.